LGN 33: The Winter Blues

14Dec11

I feel fat.

I’ve come a long way.  I’ve still got a long way to go.  I’m going to have to turn up the heat again, huh.  It’s not time to rest.  Not time to slow down.  It’s time to get busy.  I’m hoping that this post will help motivate you somehow.  I’m hoping that it helps motivate me, this conversation with my former self.

Click here to see all of my LGN (I want to Look Good Naked) and functional strength training posts.

Babyji

Okay. Maybe it isn’t just because of the carbs. I swear that I’m part bear.  This time of year when I get home to my cluttered apartment — I really want to move closer to the city or at least inside the beltway — all I want to do is sit in the dark on the floor wrapped in comforters and surrounded by pillows.  Watch a goodbad movie.  My social metabolism, which is mellow at best, slows down to a crawl.  My dog, Leika, used to be a good motivator to get outside regularly, drive around, go home to visit my family and relatives in Baltimore, and interact with strangers.  I really do miss my pack.  It was a pack of two, but it was a damn good pack.

Now I have to hack my psychology.  That’s part of what the strength training is about.  Aside from all of the pragmatics, it gets me out of the house and around other people.  Energetic, encouraging people with a similar mindset and drive even though our goals are variations on a theme.  It’s fun.  It gives you a boost — the challenging workout, the humor, the learning.  Is good, da.

For me, it’s a start.  These are the kind of people I want to be around.  Here’s the thing, though.

Alone Time

I like being alone. I don’t like being lonely but I’m more comfortable alone than I am in a crowd, for sure. I hate bars and clubs.  In fact, unless I have something g to do — like take photos — I can’t stand being in a bar or similar setting.  Even at casual parties, you may notice that I wander off every once in a while.  To explore and to catch a breath.

So, I really enjoy and need to have copious alone time to recharge and stay sane and yet I want a vibrant social life and relationships.  It’s a conundrum.  I get stuck.  And this time of year especially my motivation to do anything can seriously lag.

But you have to get out of your comfort zone, right. If you want something you’ve never had you have to do things you’ve never done. And I have at points but I suppose you can never stop challenging yourself.

I am perfectly content to sit or lay on the floor in the dark wrapped in comforters watching TV with popcorn and a drink of some kind. Diet Coke with a splash of unsweetened cranberry juice.  But I’ll start to feel guilty about it and by the evening I start getting cabin fever.  After a day and a half of that, it dawns on me that homo sapiens are social by nature and isolation can be a kind of pain.

So what’s an advanced introvert to do?

Motivator

When I get in a rut, here’s what I do.  I look at these pictures.

That’s me.  Like a fine wine, huh?  I can’t find the pics of me as a toddler with an afro.  When I do…

I look at that little guy and imagine having a conversation with him.  I’d ask him, like:

“What do you want to be when you grow up?”

“A fireman!  Or a policeman or a race car driver!  Or a doctor!”

I’d say, “One of these things isn’t quite like the others.  A doctor, huh?  Why?”

He’d think about it a little and say something kid-like.  ”Because they help people.  And because Mommy is a nurse.”

“That’s right.  She is.  Well, leave your options open, buddy.  There are a lot other ways to help people, too.  Doctor is good.  A lot of school, but it’s good if you want to help people.”

He would think about that and look at me.  ”Are you a doctor?”

“No.”

I imagine a flash of disappointment on his face.  You know how kids will just decide to move on from something that troubles them.  Abrupt subject change.

He asks, “How old are you?  I’m four years old.”

“Well, you’re only holding up two fingers but I get the point.  I’m, uh, 39.”

“Wow!  That’s almost one hundred!”

“No it is not almost one hundred.  It’s almost forty.”

“And forty is almost one hundred million billion fillion!”

Then I would change the subject.  ”So you’re going to be a grownup some day, yeh?”

“Uh huh.  I’m going to drive a motorcycle when I grow up.”

Dare to dream, little me.  I would ask him, “So if you could give yourself some advice.  If you could talk to grownup you, what would you say?”

“I talk to myself sometimes.”

“Oh yes.  Yes you do.  What would you tell grownup you.  Here.  Let me see that.  Is that a Lego man?  Pretend that this little yellow Lego man is you all grown up?  What would you say to him?”

Little Gary thinks about it for a while trying to think of a right answer.  I say, “There’s no right or wrong answer.  Just — what would you say?  Anything you want.  What would you want him to know?”

Little Me says, “When I grow up — that’s me?”

“Yes.  Pretend that’s you.  But later.  What would you say?”

His eyes would get wide with the possibilities and he’d say, “Be a superhero!!”

“Whoa!  A superhero?  That’s a tall order.”

“Because a superhero can fly.  And has strong muscles that go all the way to the moon and  helps people.  And’s super smart.  And I doesn’t have to eat yucky things and do anything I want.”

“Yucky things like stewed tomatoes and cream chipped beef, right?”

“Yuck!

“No, I’m with you on that one.  So what if I told you that I’m you?”

Can you imagine the puppy-like perplexed look I’d get?  I would ask him, “What do you want to be like when you grow up?  Do you want to be a daddy?”

“Yes.  I want to be a daddy and be married to a mommy and have fiveteen babies.  And a dog.  And a cat named Bert and Ernie.”

“Two cats?”

“No!  A cat named ‘Bert and Ernie’.”

Ah, kids say the darndest things.  He’d interrupt my attempt to not laugh out loud by saying, “Are you a daddy?”

“No, but I want to be.  I definitely — I mean, some day.  I’m kind of running behind here.  Time flies.  You get — I mean, it’s easy to get caught up in things and before you know it, y’know, you’re, like, 39.”

Some kids are more empathetic than others.  He’d say, “You look sad.  Are you sad?”

“No.  I–”

“Are you happy??”

How do you answer a question like that from a little mind?  Poorly.  ”Well.  I’m happy to be alive.  Happy to be able to do so many things and to see so much in the world.  We get to see new things that never were before.  We can do lots of things.  Like write and play music and draw.  You’re going to love the mountain bikes.  They’re going to blow your mind, little man.  And you’ll meet so many amazing people and make friends all over the country and even all over the world.  And your family will take care of you and love you and …”

Of course, at that point he’d get distracted by his Legos or Lincoln Logs or PlayDoh or Lite Brite.  Kids will be kids.

“Well, okay,” I’d say.  ”It was good to see you.  You’ve got a lot to look forward to.”

Even as I’d say it, I’d feel a pang of sorrow for all those who he’ll lose some day.  The hard things in life that you can’t be prepared for.  And I would think about sitting here alone in my apartment on the floor in the dark wrapped in comforters.  I would think about all of the things going on out in the world that I’m missing out on.  I’d think of all the people in relationships or experiencing the excitement of meeting someone new.   The giddiness of a new attraction.  I’d think of what I could be doing to not be overweight and uncomfortable with myself.

“Okay, little Gary.  I’m going to go now.  I’ve got some things I need to get cracking on.  You give your mom and dad a big hug for me, okay?”

“Daddy doesn’t live with us anymore.”

“I know.  It’s okay.  You’ll see him before too long.  And you know what?”

“What.”

“You’ll get a stepfather, too.  It’s like having two fathers.”

“Two.  Daddies?”

“And some day, a little sister.  You’ll have a big sister and a little sister.  But look.  I have to go now.  You be good.  Be.  Good.  Okay?”

He would sense a little gravity and then say, “Are you going to go be a superhero?”

“Tell you what.  I may not be a superhero.  But I will do what I can to help people.  And I will be strong and smart and I’ll use my not-quite super powers to make the world a better place.  And I’ll take care of you.”

Maybe that would distract from his toys for a second.  ”Take care of me?”

“Yes.  I’ll see to it that you have a good life.  Hopefully, a good long life.  You’re going to live up to your potential.  That’s a promise, dude.”

I’m sure he’d be wondering what “potential” means.  But that’s okay.  He reads a lot and learns his way around a dictionary.

Potential

I mean, really.  How can you let a little kid down?  How can you just sit on the dreams of your inner child?

I get frustrated sometimes.  Working out can be the perfect metaphor for the rest of your life.  The other aspects.  What are you willing to do?  How much discomfort or even pain can you take?  How hard will you push yourself to reach your goals?  What stops you?  How do you get around that?  Where do you get your information?  Who do you spend your time with?  Are you willing to accept and follow advice?  Are you willing to step up?

I’m very concerned about living up to my physical potential right now.  Because I know it’s a linchpin for so many things.  Being and feeling confident in your appearance.  Having the energy to pursue hobbies and interests.  Being able to physically do the things you want to do.  Setting the timbre of the rest of your life.

Is it going to be full of pain and discomfort?  Will I have all kinds of mysterious ailments and write it off as bad luck/karma and ignore the fact that I’m either dangerously or uncomfortably overweight?  Will I let bad habits destroy my quality of life?

That’s unacceptable.  And knowing what I know, I have no excuse.  Stuff happens, sure.  You never know what’s going to happen.  There are no guarantees, but that’s not an excuse.  It’s not a license to not make an effort.

Feel free to hold me to that, friends.  And feel free to join me.  If your conscience is panging, maybe it’s time.

Rome Wasn’t Built in a Day. But Rome was built.

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Tags: diet, fitness, health, LGN, underground athlete