LGN 131: Swimming 3 Still – The Struggle is Real

And pork and beans.

Learning to swim is … involved. It ain’t easy. It’s one of those skills — like learning a language — that’s best to pick up when you’re a childrens. It’s doable, but damn.

Over the Summer I went to White Oak Canyon with friends and their kids. I waded out into the water next to the falls, taking photos. The kids got in and were swimming in the deep part like it was the most natural thing. I wanted so badly to be able to do that. I suppose I could have tried but — naw, son. Wasn’t quite ready to attempt to swim in the wild in a frigid not-a-pool.

November 6, 2017 – Reasons & Excuses


OMYR: We Have Different Stories

Old Man Young rants about: Protests (Trigger warning); Alienation; This is long but I was determined to finish an entry.

I’m not going to judge anyone because of what they don’t say online. None of us can keep up with and process all the bulls— that we’re hosed down with every day. Commenting on and discussing every crappy thing would be a stressful full time job with unpaid overtime.


We have different stories.

It’s troubling and disappointing that we don’t see each other. We don’t listen to each other. That’s what I find stressful about the way we interact with each other.

LGN 130: Swimming 3 – Everybody Poops

Well, that was an unceremonious end to Swimming III.

LGN 129: Swimming For

I’m back, bishes.



  1. Scientific appellation for a female dogfish shark.
  2. Portmanteau of the words fish and bitch.

One of those is true.

Ladies and gentlemen. Bishes of all ages. You know and I know that I don’t need anymore expensive hobbies.

A few months ago someone asked if I was interested in scuba diving. I was like, “Bish, you crazy. I ain’t gettin’ in no deep azz water.”

Obviously, that was before my ascension to King of Swimming*. I haven’t been in a pool since the swimming III class ended. Still on the wait list for one, I think. There’s nothing stopping me from driving or even walking across the street, practically, and getting in the pool. Self-motivation isn’t my forte, particularly when I’m operating solo, which is the norm.

The water is on my mind a lot, though. No joke — I have woken from a night’s sleep frog or side kicking more than once.

I’m not saying that I planned things out this way. I signed up on a whim a few weeks ago. Because it was there. A gentle intro to scuba diving? They do that? I’m in, if not a little anxious. But the PADI Scuba Discovery Class by Blue Planet Scuba gets me closer to my goal of swimming in the Caribbean and closer to swimming with, like, seals or dolphins or sea turtles or those cute beach pigs or brain eating amoeba or krakens.

LGN 128: Swimming 3.9 The Deep End

The deep end. We treaded water in the deep end, jumped into the deep end, floated on our backs in the deep end, and we swam in the deep end. Fourteen feet. What?? What?!?!?! That’s what I’ve been waiting for.

Jelly Belly 3
Too deep. Little help?
I like my pools like I like my women.

LGN 127: Swimming 3.5

Well, folks. I think I’ve done it. I beat swimming.

It’s pretty much a wrap so everyone else might as well stop. Swimming is over. That includes you, water-based fauna. You might as well evolve, grow legs and come up here on land. Or go into space where, let’s be honest, half of you cluckers look like you came from somewhere out there, anyway. There’s really no point anymore after the perfection I achieved tonight. As far as ¬†you hu-mans go, you might as well retire your little Olympics competitions and your freediving and your water births and your amniotic fluds and your —

Swimming is over
Game over. Get out. This is my domain, now. You in my house.

Okay. I may be exaggerating a little bit.

LGN 126: Swimming 3

I just finished Swimming II tonight.

I may be a grown ass man but I’m still disappointed that there wasn’t a certificate. With the little cartoon fish on it. Also, the MyZone MZ-3 doesn’t work in the water, which is a bummer because I got worked tonight.

On to swimming III. Narrowly. 

Prerequisite: Swimming II or skill proficiency to swim unassisted on front and back at least three body lengths using arms and legs, and to submerge face in water for at least three seconds. Class emphasizes increasing endurance and independent swimming skills. Skills include rotary breathing, entering deep water safely, treading water 15 seconds; and swimming front crawl and elementary backstroke 15 yds., and back crawl five yds. without assistance or support.

That doesn’t sound too bad.