Dr. Noah Tall: A Hygiene Fable and Bursts of … Lard? – Gary Young MySpace Blog

Hey. What do you think Chuckii Booker is doing these days?

Every time I hear the word slurry I say “with the fringe on top”. Chicks and ducks AND geese better hurry.

Woodchuck (Amber) Draft Cider has now taken the place of Twisted Teas in my life. It is unreasonably enjoyable and was almost worth the horrible experience of going to Shoppers Food Warehouse. Almost.


I have solved a mystery. This is a disturbing tale. I won’t lie. Not because it’s inappropriate but because it involves poor hygiene. It’s also a fable, the moral of which is, “Don’t be stupid or you will suffer unnecessarily”.

Ever since about April my skin has been going haywire. Eczema breakouts have been one symptom. The most troubling has been a severe case of inconsolably chapped lips and facial mayhem every time I shave. It’s physically painful, uncomfortable and unsightly. I tried to eat some spicy wings from Chevy’s the other week and it felt like my face was on fire. But they were also very delicious.

Obviously, I’ve been trying fo figure out what the heck is going on. It’s very likely something I’m eating. I’ve definitely got some food allergies. Have ever since childhood. I switched toothpaste. Now I use Tom’s of Maine. I stopped using shaving cream and started using my electric shaver because it doesn’t shave as close. That means that the hairs won’t get cut below skin level and therefore won’t, in theory, result in razor bumps and whiteheads, etc.

Nothing worked. In fact, it’s only been getting worse. I washed my pillows, got some Febreze anti-allergen spray (yes, they have that now), change washcloths every day. Still no help. A variety of Blistex, hydrocortizone, benadryl, Neosporin, A&D ointment. Nothin’ doing except for some temporary relief.

This morning I figured that maybe it’s time to change the head on my SonicCare toothbrush. Maybe it’s germy, y’know. And I forgot to brush my teeth the other day and could have sworn my skin got a little better. I know, I know. How do you forget to brush your teeth? Cause my routine is out of order. Due to the disgusting, excessive lip chapping over night I shower first so that I don’t do something stupid like talk or smile and crack my face wide open. Gots to moisturize. So my morning routine was out of order and I forgot to brush my toofus.

So like I said, I’m changing the head on my SonicCare this morning, right. I mean, who knows. It could have a bacteria build up that’s somehow causing infection. It could happen, I figure. I unscrew the top and inside, the cavity inside is filled with a viscous, beige, cottage cheese-like (but finer) liquid matter. I made the mistake of smelling it and it was acrid. Way beyond a little moisture-happy mildew. This stuff was a virulent bacterial soup. It was like an advanced high school science project experiment and my mouthal regions must have been the petri dish. I am not agar! Friggin’ disgusting. (By the way, the SonicCare toothbrush is still soaking in water, bleach and dish soap as I type.)

It is my hypothesis that the sonic application of bacteria into my gums, lips and micro-cuts and abrasions caused by shaving is the source of my woe.

Is that, like, the dumbest thing you’ve ever heard or what.

America. Friends. Romans. Countrymen. Be aware of your environment. Do not leave the head on your SonicCare toothbrush indefinitely. Close the toilet lid before you flush. Change your air filters. Don’t eat crap. Not all living through chemistry is better.


Oh. That reminds me of something I wanted to say. Dr. Noah Tall sez avoid refined sugar and (partially) hydrogenated oils. I was trying to think of a way to explain why but Mike G. nailed it on the head. Hydrogenated oils = lard = Crisco. Vegetable oil that’s had hydrogen gas bubbled through it until it thickens to the desired degree and then bleached and who knows what else. Plasticized fat. Lard.

Do you like Starbursts? Skittles? Now & Laters? Laffy Taffy? Shockers? Sprees? I love Sour Starbursts, especially the grape ones. Poison. They used to use carnauba wax to make some of these candies chewy. Now they use lard. All these candies that kids and not-so-kids are chowing down on are filled with lard.

Starbursts are made with sugar and lard. Lardbursts is more like it.

Skittles are brightly colord lard pellets.

Shockers are sugar, lard and (malic) acid.

There should be a class action law suit against these companies that mass produce poison, target children and then hide the nature of their ingredients. My two cents. Or, I mean, Dr. Noah Tall’s two cents. But you don’t have to take my word for it.

Okay. That’s enough for the night. I’ve got to take care of some bills. Or I could lay down and drift off to interrupted sleep.

Take of yourselves every one. Until next time.

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