My Perfect Woman Today
According to this ad on the MySpace logout page I can find my perfect woman today. Hmmmm. Exciting. Well. Judging from the photos on the ad, the female to male ratio of the master race is five women to every man. 5:1. I like those odds.
As someone who is [adjective] enough to occasionally dabble with online personal ads with absolutely no success, this gets me thinking. Not since True.com has an advertisement promised a more thoroughly segregated online socializing experience. Not even an effort to convey some diversity unless you’re taking into account the head tilt angle.
As a black man, the online numbers are against me. I mean, as a regular, professional black man who is not and does not look like a celebrity or professional athlete. It doesn’t matter if my soul is on ice or not. It’s a weird scene that doesn’t quite work for me.
Am I too picky? Eh. I don’t know. You decide. I’m going to write here what my “perfect woman” is. I’ll do the tangibles first and I’ll try to stick to the affirmative. But keep in mind that this is my ideal, which has little to do with reality. You know what I mean?
You may be attracted to a variety of people for an infinitely complex amount of reasons, but there’s that certain combination that flips a switch in you. Those qualities that, in concert, reach into the primal, deep down part of your brain which responds with something to the effect of, “Me want.”
I like short women — between 4’11” and 5’3″ is great. Curvy but fit. Busty with some junk in the trunk. Mmmmm, cleavage. When I say “fit” I don’t necessarily mean skinny, although skinny and curvy ain’t bad, but I dig women with biceps. Not I-can-bench-more-than-you biceps but a woman with some substance to her if you know what I mean, especially women that have shoulders. Got that upper body V-shape going on. Oh god. Muscular thighs. I think I’m drooling.
I like curly hair but as long as her hair has some shine to it I’m with it. Complexion? I’d say anything golden brown is magical. Dimples. Yeh. Eyes that catch the light and sparkle. I’m not a fan of makeup and am anti-eye shadow and heavy eye liner unless she’s on stage in a musical. She looks good au naturale or close to it. So many of you do.
She can make me laugh and vice versa. Every once in a while she’ll shock me with something hilariously raunchy. She likes to read. A girl who likes any of the following is a find: The Simpsons, Family Guy, ATHF, Harry Potter, The Chronicles of Narnia, The Hobbit and Lord of the Rings and most of all Mystery Science Theater 3000.
An accent would be heavenly. Oh man. An accent. She could teach me another language. Of course, she has to be outdoorsy. If I talk her into mountain biking she’ll look like she’s enjoying it. We’ll encourage each other to eat better and work out. She probably likes to dance but won’t insist that I do. She’ll be spiritual and in search of something bigger than our own egos. If she’s an instrumental or vocal or literary/lyrical musician I will give thanks to the heavens above. She will constantly surprise me with the things she knows.
She can cook. We could make meals together in a cramped kitchen and never be in each other’s way. I could learn how to bake from her. Eh, nevermind. I don’t have the patience. She juices, though.
Little stuff doesn’t bother her. She will not be an emotional time bomb. She likes other women. She won’t mind being rescued every now and then.
And most of all, she’s patient, empathetic and sees things and people for what they are. Sees and appreciates. Those are necessary traits for anyone who’s going to put up with me.
That’s all I’ve got for now. If my desperation factor gets much worse I’ll have to post one of these for dude qualifications. Let’s hope we don’t have to rely on that contingency plan.
Maybe one day I’ll have one of these up and it’ll be like:
Race: Against biological clock
Haha. I have amused myself.
Anyway, I’m outta here. If I’m going to be writing this much I should work on finishing up a chapter for one of or both or all of my stories.
Later, gators. This was fun. Thanks for stopping by.