The 3 C’s
If you’ve ever wondered why men are the way we are, there are the 3 C’s I’ve come up with to explain the strange, primitive animal that we are: Cave, Comestibles, Cleavage.
The trick here is to realize that the cave is home base. Everything comes back to the cave. All other C’s ultimately make the male of the homo sapien species desire to return to his cave. Food, drink, woman? Acquire. Drag back to cave.
The cave may be physical (a room, the garage, a campsite or fishing spot, a video game console in front of the tv, a computer in the den, the grill on the patio) or it may be mental (a sports game, music blaring on the stereo or through headphones) or metaphorical.
And that’s pretty much all you need to know.
But here are a few more observations.
Men do not appreciate being discussed. Whether it’s with your family or girlfriends or especially another man. That is an illegal operation and a violation of the unspoken rules of confidentiality. You do not discuss a man’s shortcomings or emotional expression with other sentient life forms. From a man’s point of view, if others believe that he has the ability to communicate and experience emotion or empathy it will be perceived as a sign of weakness and people will want to frequent his shelter/cave. And most threatening of all they’ll all want to know what he’s thinking.
I know it’s not fair, really, but when a dude is quiet he doesn’t feel like talking. Often, when you ask, “What are you thinking?” He’s not. Or he’s contemplating the fact that someone is knocking on his cave door when his silence — from his point of view — is the equivalent of a “DO NOT DISTURB” sign hanging on the door. Or he’s probably thinking, “I’d really like to be alone for a while.”
Doesn’t mean he doesn’t need some forced socialization or that there isn’t something or someone he’s supposed to be tending to. I’m just saying.
But to quote Sinbad, “Women be different than men.” Renting an apartment I naturally take stock of my neighbors. When a single woman rents an apartment chances are that she won’t be in it 75% of the time. And for the 25% of time she is in her apartment, she’ll attempt to have company over 90% of that time. If she can’t get anyone to come over to shield her from silence and stillness she will undoubtedly be on the phone that 90% of the time. The remaining 10% of the time she’s cleaning the apartment while talking on the phone.
Otherwise, she’ll be staying with a friend or at her boyfriend’s or a relative’s. Or a stranger that she just met at the grocery store. Fascinating.
Yes, I do realize that these are generalizations, but without generalizations we’d never begin to quantify anything. And they’re fun.
Men like food. Men are obsessed with protein and therefore want to kill and eat animals. There is, apparently, nothing manly about harvesting soy beans or quinoa. You can’t impale soy beans through the vitals with a crossbow bolt or better yet the arrow from a compound bow and then slit their throats as an act of mercy.
Men will, however, eat vegetables after they’ve been diagnosed with prostate or colorectal cancer OR if it will convince a woman to come back to his cave with him.
Men like to drink. We don’t usually pig out on sweets so most of our carb addiction, as a gender, comes from alcohol consumption. And since alcohol, sometimes described by me as liquid inhibition or liquid courage, can facilitate socializing and mate procurement it’s a win-win.
This explains why young men of even poor social standing feel comfortable going to bars wearing un-ironed polo shirts, khaki shorts and sandals with confidence that they will attract the attention of women who have gone through great efforts to accentuate the positives of their physiques and applied various chemicals, tinctures, ointments, lotions, perfumes and foot binding and heel elevation mechanisms.
I, myself, am not versed in the ways of alcohol as can be evidenced by my lack of mate procurement.
Last but not least, cleavage is kryptonite. Catnip. The sexual stimuli equivalent of the smell of cooking bacon. Ladies, I’m not sure if you understand this but cleavage is nearly irresistible for a man to not be drawn to and fixated by. You know how you’re annoyed when men fixate on your chest when you’re showing a little cleavage? Or stare at your backside when you’re bending over in hot anticipation of rear cleavage? Then you will be equally annoyed to know that the energy it takes to NOT stare at your cleavage renders us mentally void. 65% of our higher brain function in that context is devoted to NOT looking at your boobs and another 10% to maintaining eye contact. Energy expenditure also increases when required to form sentences that are coherent and germaine to the conversation at hand.
And as you know, cleavage isn’t selective so don’t be too offended when we unattractive, mediocre, broke ass fellas gawk. We’re just as testosterone driven as hunks, millionaires and professional athletes.
Gay men are no exception here. Do not be fooled. The only exception is socialitis. The social metabolism of gay men is on par with the fairer gender and therefore outward appearance and hygiene is pronounced.