DOMA & Prop. 8

Inside: Prop 8 again; TMI

Big doings for gay marriage today. Not so great for the Voting Rights Act earlier this week, but that’s a conversation for another day. My understanding is that the Prop 8 ruling was very narrow. It doesn’t stop other states from attempting whatever they want to attempt. The rhetorical backlash has already begun, hopefully to be drowned out with positivity.

I posted the following on November 15, 2008. It’s a semi-faithful excerpt from this entry. It’s … embarrassing and/or humbling to admit such things, which is nothing compared to, say, a teenager coming out or being outed or being bullied or being disowned.

It’s still true. (The detractors are diminishing in number but even more recalcitrant and determined.) Except I don’t want to have that many kids anymore and I’m not 36. And Sour Starbursts have been discontinued [sad trombone sound], which is a tragedy in itself.

(Gay) Mawwiage!

It’s amazing how many people who have little sense of personal morals or ethics become especially pious when it comes to homosexuality. You know, people who go out, party, drink, maybe do a little drugs, little casual sex, maybe an affair. People who, otherwise, have no sense of moral outrage when it comes to any larger social issues become holier than thou. Moderate Christians will start quoting from Leviticus: abomination, put to death. Nevermind that eating shellfish is also an abomination and rebellious children were also worthy of the death sentence.

Point being that people sure do like to pick and choose. If it’s what I do, it’s okay. If it’s what they do, society will die. (I’ve got theories re: homophobia but I’ll save them for another time.)

As I’ve admitted before, I’m not 100% open minded. I won’t pretend to be. Gay marriage is … different. It’s a change. Change is generally threatening or stress inducing. I’m upset every time “they” change the flavors in a pack of Sour Starbursts (I miss you, grape and orange).

But you know what? The more people that want to commit and settle down and raise a family together, the more stable the basic unit of our society is. There are Britney Spears Vegas weddings. There are 50+ year marriages ’til death does them part. The divorce rate is around 50%, last I heard, and that’s on YOU, heteros and even evangelical Christian heteros.

I suspect that gay marriages will be the same. This just in: gay people are human beings, too. They’re not worse than you. They’re not better than you. They’re just like you. Except gayer.

Unhealthy or risky behavior is unhealthy or risky whether it’s in the gay context or the straight context. Specks in their eyes, motes in your own.


So the other day I was reading some comments from friends on Facebook. Saw some articles in the news. Heard some bloviating on the radio and I had a thought.

I’m 36 years old. I’ve never really had a girlfriend/relationship. Haven’t done much dating. I didn’t go to any dances at school. Very few parties. Didn’t go to the prom. I have never been in love, assuming that being in love requires reciprocation. Physical affection is non-existent in my life.

All of this despite numerous, frequent or constant crushes and infatuations and adoration. Not in a creepy way (I hope), but still. Along the way, a lot of people thought, think, assumed, or accused me of being gay. While I won’t deny a man-crush here and there, I can say that many have mistaken my social isolation, alienation and subsequent ineptitude with the ladies for being gay, which then feeds into the cycle. Meanwhile, time marches on — double-time.

Life pulls and tugs us away from each other: friends, family, acquaintances, colleagues. Time puts distance between us. I have a fear — and it grows like a cancer with every passing year — that I will grow old alone and I will die alone. I want to have kids, like 4 or 5, and the thought of finding someone who’s so amazing that I want to spend the rest of my life with her is as inspiring as it is intimidating.

If/when I finally do find someone or someone finds me … how would I feel if people told me that it wasn’t real. And that they refused to recognize that love as being legitimate or worthy. (A few decades ago an interracial marriage and any subsequent offspring would have qualified as being illegitimate.)

If two people, two consenting adults, have found love and choose to commit to each other, there’s nothing more legitimate than that.

Life is short. Time is merciless. Death is imminent. We live and we can only hope to live to the fullest, to share that with someone. To share your life with someone. Finding someone that you want to come home to, whose face you want to see when you wake up in the morning. For the rest of your life.

There is no religion, no dogma, no scripture, edict, tenet or decree that is more meaningful or more powerful than that.

To strive for love, companionship, hope, comfort, affection, approval, and nurturing in the face of the shit storm that life can be, what more is there.

That is not something to be voted on, much less to be voted against.

Coda out:

And we are greater than the sum of us
All greater than some of us greater than each piece apart
We are a body an army greater than any single art piece and love in our hearts
And we are who we are behind doors in secret
In the deep depths of recesses we aren’t free yet
We are how we treat our sick folk and widows
Rich with broken hearts broken and crippled the soul is weak
We are not what we eat, but what comes out of our mouths when we speak

-Shad on “We, Myself and I”

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